Lost For You
by AdicTnLust
Summary: How do I deal with you? How do I deal with me? When I don't even know myself or what it is you want from me.  CenaOC,Jeff Hardy, Candice Michelle
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Once again. I know I should work on my other stories. But this has been sitting in my saved file for a few months, It was going to be the first story I did, but I got crazed with Shannon Moore. This is different than anything you've read from me. I'm not sure you'll like it. I just wanted to experiment. Its graphic, and there's violence and there are situations you may not like. My character is an OC, but she's based off someone very close to me, and the story is pretty close to the truth. And don't get me wrong, I love John Cena to death, but for a fiction world, he's very transversal in the role he can play. I want to remind you that it is **FICTION **on the wrestling part, but a serious situation that needs to be addressed in the world. With that being said…I'm off to the bat mobile.

Disclaimer- I don't own anything but Marley Jacobs, and even she is based off somebody. I have used the persona based off my best friend in the world. She knows, and she's proof read and will be proof reading in the future. Anybody affiliated with the WWE own themselves.

Chapter One- Deafening Silence.

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Its usually my fault, but not this time. I hate it when he's like this. I hate lying to people, I hate wearing long sleeves and jeans when I'm in warm places, and I hate that my friends think I'm just infatuated with sunglasses. I hate every word that comes out of his mouth, and I hate how I love him so much. And I hate…going through this pregnant with his child.

He got his ass handed to him tonight, by his best friend none the least. I don't personally see what the big deal is, he knows before he goes out there that he's going to loose. As soon as he slammed the door, I knew it wouldn't be long until he was throwing shit at the walls, and pacing the room, working himself up.

"Where the fuck did you go tonight?" he asked me slowly, his blue eyes piercing through my brown.

"I went with Candice to get some water." I told him honestly. That's what did happen. John takes an hour in the gym, warming up for a 10 minute match. What am I supposed to do for an hour? Sit there with my thumb in my ass?

"No. You just fucking took off. That's what you did." he said stepping closer to me.

"I just went to get a dri…" he cut me off, roughly grabbing my arm and pulling me into a standing position.

"You. Took. Off." he spoke slowly.

"John, I'm sorry, I didn't think you would care if I went with her." I said through clenched teeth. The pain in my arm was unreal, and did he always have to grab the same fucking spot?

"You don't _ever _fucking think, Marley. You don't have a fucking brain." he said slapping my head. I winced at his touch, and moved my eyes to the ground. "If I wanted you to hang out with a bunch of sluts, I would take you to a smack down taping." he said, breathing roughly in my ear and pushing me even further into the wall.

His 6 foot frame stood over my 5'8". He out weighed me by 110 lbs, and his arm was the size of my head, something I once found extremely sexy. That was before I knew how much pain those arms held.

"John, I'm sorry." I whispered. I never knew what to say to him. I knew better than to argue back, it just made him madder.

"I don't like Candice, and I don't like her little fuckin groupies." he said referring to the people Candice always hung out with. I loved those guys.

They were my best friends here. Sure I loved Randy and Adam. But they were John's boys. They're going to take his side, no matter what happens. Candice is my shelter from the storm. I can talk to her about anything. Of course, there's a lot she doesn't know. For one, she doesn't know I'm pregnant. Nobody does. Two. She doesn't know the extent of me and John. She and Matt have been together for a few months now, and I can tell he loves her. I wish John looked at me like that again. Jeffy is awesome. He's probably my closest guy friend. John doesn't know I hang out with Jeff. I hope and pray he never finds out.

I felt is grip tighten on my arm, bringing me back to reality.

"See what I fucking mean!" he shouted. "You. Don't. FUCKING. LISTEN.!" he said slamming me up against the wall. I couldn't stop the scream aching to escape out my lips. The force hurt. My arms hurt. My heart hurt.

"Stop. I'm sorry." I pleaded with him. Sorry. Seems to be my favorite word the last 4 months. "Please stop, Johnny." I cried softly

The last 4 months of my 2 year relationship, have been destroyed. In 4 months, my life has changed. My head jerked violently from the force of his large hand connecting with my cheek. My face felt like it was on fire. The hot tears running from my eyes actually felt cool on my burning skin. He let me go. I slid down the wall, pulling my knees to my chest. Its not my fault this time. All I wanted to do is get some water with my friend. What happened to us? I rested my forehead against my knees, trying to regain my composure. My whole being hurts. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I heard the door slam, and I knew I had to get out of there. I stood up on wobbly legs and made my way over to the bed in the huge hotel room. I grabbed my duffle bag, and threw as much as I could grab in it. I tried to life it over my shoulder, but the bruises on my arm, told me absolutely different. The door shut with force, and my breath caught in my throat.

'Fuck! Busted.' I thought to myself with tears falling down my face.

"What are you doin?" he asked walking up behind me.

"Just uhh, cl-cleanin up a little bit." I said with a shaky, tear filled voice.

"Yeah? Looks like you're packing to me." He said, getting a small grin on his face.

I looked into his eyes. Those eyes are what made me fall in love with him. They showed his true feelings, no matter what line of bullshit John was feeding someone. If you could read his eyes, you could read his soul.

"Where ya goin?" he asked sitting on the bed, taking his shoes off.

"I wasn't going anywhere." I said, not sure if he heard me. I barely heard me.

"Good. Come here." he said patting the mattress next to him. He heard me.

I looked at him cautiously. Was he fucking serious. He can't honestly think I want to be near him at all.

"Come here." he said again, holding his hand out.

I walked over to him slowly. As soon as I was in his arm length, his hand found mine. Did I mention how I hate when he's a different person in 15 minuets. Well, incase I forgot. I hate it. He pulled me to him so I was standing in front of him. When I felt his forehead lean against my stomach, all of my thoughts left me. John seriously made me retarded sometimes. His strong hands found their way to my hips, while the tips of his fingers lingered on the side of my ass.

"I'm sorry, baby." he said, pulling me closer. I let my hands rest on his shoulders.

"I can't do it John." I said, looking down at him. His gaze met mine, and a few stray tears left my chocolate eyes. "I can't be with you anymore." I said, attempting to stay strong.

"What?" He asked. His voice held a tone that said he didn't believe me. He shook his head slowly at me, like I had just slapped him in the face and he was trying to comprehend it.

"I'm going home tomorrow." I said, praying he didn't hear my knees knocking together, or the chatter in my teeth. Tomorrow is Monday. He has to be on RAW. No excuses. I knew it was the only chance I had of getting out of there.

"You're not leaving me." he stated simply, standing up from the bed.

I nodded my head, as tears fell freely down my face. "I have to, John. I love you but I have to go. We need time apart. We need…something." I said breaking his stare, not sure where my voice was coming from. "You're going to kill us." I cried quietly.

"Us?" he asked, grabbing my shoulders. He tilted his head down sideways, trying to look into my eyes. "US?" he asked again. "Who the fuck is US, Marley?"

"I'm pregnant, John." I whispered. I was prepared for the grabbing, or the slapping, or the yelling, but none of it came.

When I finally got the balls to look at him, he was sinking back onto the bed, with his hands still in the position they were when he let go of my shoulders. He was spooked. Frozen solid as he tried to replay what I just told him. His mouth hung slightly open, and he turned his head into my direction.

"How lo- How long?" he breathed out.

"13 weeks." I whispered. "Don't worry about anything. I got this." I said quietly dragging my duffle bag to the door. I twisted the handle and looked behind me. " I love you, John." I said sadly. He remained on the bed, looking in my direction. I thought I did the right thing by telling him. Maybe not.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer- I don't own anybody affiliated with WWE. They all presumably own themselves.

Chapter 2- Lost Cause.

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I started at the door in front of me, trying to find the courage to knock. He would understand, right? I mean, Jeff would let me stay in the spare bed, he always told me it was open anytime I needed it, so why am I finding this so hard. I lifted my trembling hand and my knuckles found the door, knocking lightly. What if he was sleeping? What if I woke him up. What if he was pissed right off that I was knocking on his door at 2 in the morning.

I kept my head to the ground as the door opened. I should have been paying attention to what Jeff was saying, but for some reason all I could think about was how me standing here with my bag in tow, was somehow betraying John. I lifted my head to look at Jeff.

"Wh-what?" I asked, my voice still thick with tears.

"What happened, Marley?" he asked observing the forming black and blue on my cheek.

"I uhh, I just…fucked up" was the only thing that I could manage. I don't what happened. I don't know how this happened. "Can I stay here tonight?" I asked him.

"Of course you can, Mar, I just...I mean, damn...what the fuck happened?" he asked again.

I tried to shrug my shoulders, but the sharp pain in my arms kept me from moving easily. Jeff reached down and grabbed my bag, looking down the hall. I fallowed his glaze and saw John standing at the end of the hallway. Jeff took his hand off the bag, that had moved merely an inch, and he stepped into the hallway My heart felt like it was going to explode from the rapid beating. Tears immediately fell from my eyes. He started toward me, and I tried to duck quickly into Jeff's room.

"MARLEY!" he shouted through the hallway.

"Look, dude…" Jeff started, putting his hands up, and moving my body behind his.

John raised his hand in silence. "This is between me and my girl."

"John I…" I started.

"Just come back to the room, and we can talk about this." he said as he reached for my arm. I backed up a little bit, not wanting him to touch me anymore.

"I'm done talking. I'm done reasoning with you, John. I don't deserve this. I mean I thought we were happy, weren't we happy?" I said crying. I wanted to wipe the tears off my face, but I knew it would hurt. I looked back at Jeff. The look in his eyes told me he didn't believe the running into the door at the arena story, or the 'we were just fooling around' story. That look said, that every suspicion he ever had, was confirmed at that moment.

"How could you do that to your girl, dude?" I heard Jeff ask him.

"You don't know shit… about me and my girl, dog. Shut the fuck up." John said, stepping up to Jeff.

"You can hit me dude, But I ain't a girl. I'll hit your bitch ass back." Jeff quipped.

"Oh, so you think I hit my girl?!" John asked him loudly, stepping even closer.

"Well, I don't think that she runs into doors everyday." Jeff said stepping up to Johns face, yelling in the same tone Johns voice was.

"Jeff, don't" I said, putting my hand on his arm. He backed away from John, but he was still burning a hole into him with his eyes.

"So now you're fucking Jeff?" John spat at me. "So I was right, you are a stupid fucking slut." John said pushing his way past Jeff, and getting into my face.

The scene in the hallway brought on lookers from other rooms. Candice appeared behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay, Mar?" she asked me quietly. I shook my head, afraid of what would come out of my mouth if I spoke. I looked at her, noticing Randy and Matt standing in the middle of John and Jeff.

"I always knew she was a fucking slut anyways." John said looking in my direction.

I was heated. I never cheated on him. Not once. He was unfaithful. He brought me to this point, and now he was going to push it on me to make himself look good.

"A fucking slut, John?" I asked him, with courage budding out of me from nowhere. "I'm the fucking slut? Maybe if you could keep your dick in your pants this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if you didn't fall for the first set of implants and a sweet voice, We would be fine!" I screamed at him. Furious was not the word. I expected him to slap me, right then. Instead he stepped closer to me, and bent his head to meet my eyes.

"Yes. A slut." he smirked. My hands were shaking at my sides, I never hit John, because I knew what would happen, but hell. I finally found the balls to leave him, what could happen now. My hand flew up from nowhere, and the force of my hand on his cheek made the hallway echo. I heard gasps coming from the small crowd that had gathered. Out of nowhere I felt his hand around my throat and my body being forced into the wall. The shriek of the girls and muffled tones of the guys were almost inaudible to me. I felt someone prying my neck out of Johns vice grip, and I swallowed hard when he backed off and put his hands up.

"Dude, what the fuck is your problem?" Randy asked him.

"She's my fucking problem!" he shouted, pointing a finger in my face over Candice's shoulder. Matt and Randy stood in front of him again. "Get back to the fucking room." John seethed at me.

I shook my head, and swallowed the lump in my throat. God, that fucking hurt. I took a deep, shaky breath. "We're fucking done, John. Done." I hissed quietly. I turned around to get my bag, and looked at Candice. "Will you take me to the airport?" I asked her, quietly.

"No she fucking wont." John said, trying to step closer, only to be pushed back by Randy. "You're not goin anywhere with my fucking kid." he said trying to break free from Randy.

The looks from the people standing around me, were shocking. I've never seen a group with their mouths all hung open, ever. And in this business, there were surprises every day. Randy composed himself first, trying to make light of the situation at hand.

"Dude. You need to fucking chill." Randy said, never letting his hands leave Johns chest.

"Yeah, I need to chill, and when you go _'home'". _ he paused looking at me, quoting with his fingers. "I'll fucking be right there. Chillin." he said, looking directly at me.

"Why are you doing this, John. Just let her go, she doesn't want to be with you anymore, just cool your fucking jets." Candice spoke up.

"Fuck you whore, what do you know?" John threatened.

"Dude, don't call my girl a whore." Matt spoke up.

"Or what, dude?" He said looking into the older Hardy's eyes.

"I'll just have to kick your ass!" Matt said feeling furious.

"Yeah. Okay." John smirked. I was afraid of the look in his eye. I'd never seen it before, and his delicate pools of blue were iced over with anger. Randy pulled John back and looked at him. "Dude, you're supposed to be my boy, now you're takin' up for these fucks?!" he shouted at Randy.

"Dude, you've fucking went off the deep end, I might be an asshole, but I NEVER put my hands on a female. A pregnant one at that." Randy said still pushing John back.

"No, you just shit in their purses and stalk them." John taunted sarcastically. "Get the fuck off me." he said throwing Randy's hands off his body. He looked at me again and pointed his finger at me. "Let's go, Marley." he said simply.

"No, John. The only place I'm going, is home." I said pulling my arms to my chest.

"You don't have a fucking home, you live with me" he said pointing a finger to himself. "Remember?" he asked still pointing. "I just want to know what the fuck your problem is."

The group looked at me. I felt like I was being put on the spot, and everybody waited for my answer. How could he ask that when he just made an ass of himself in front of all his friends. "I thought you loved me, baby." he said, looking into my eyes.

Candice scoffed in amusement. I knew what she was thinking. What did I ever see in him. For a year and a half our relationship was great. I was perfect for him, and he was perfect for me, and we were going to be together. John was my happily ever after. I don't know what happened or how our relationship fell apart. I forgave him for cheating on me with the peppy blonde writer. I forgave him for cheating on me with the little slutty brunette, I couldn't forgive him anymore.

"I do love you , John. But I'm going to forget how." I said still crying.

I couldn't stop. It was like Niagra Falls was inside of my tear ducts and they weren't slowing down for nothing. He might have been shocked, or amused, I couldn't really read his expression. I knew he was pissed, and somehow it was going to be my fault when all I was doing is trying to get out of that situation.

"You have to come back to get your shit." he pointed out.

"I packed all I need." I said, pointing to the bag on the floor. I turned around to Candice again. "Will you give me a ride?" I asked.

"Mar, its like 2:30 in the morning. You can't catch a flight that late." she reasoned.

No. I couldn't stay here, and now she didn't want to help me get out of here. What the fuck had I done to everybody. This isn't my fault.

"I have to leave!" I sobbed. "God I can't stay here." I said crumbling.

The floor came inches above my ass as I bent my knees to my chest. I took a deep breath and calmed myself. "Okay. Alright. I'll catch a cab." I said grabbing my bag from the floor, but immediately dropping it as the pain of the bruises stabbed at my skin. I picked up the strap and started to drag the duffle to the stairs. Waiting for an elevator wasn't an option.

"Marley." Jeff called out as I pushed open the door to the fire escape. "Marley." he said quietly approaching me. "You can stay in my room, and I'll give you a ride in the morning." he said reaching for the bag.

"NO!" I didn't mean to shout. It just came out like that.

Why doesn't anybody understand. They just saw it first hand, and they want me to stay. Another minute in this place and I'll fucking die, and nobody gets that. I turned around and looked at the small group around Jeff's room. Randy was talking to John in a corner, and I could very clearly see the muscle in his jaw clenching at every word. I raised my hand a little to wave.

"Thanks for everything guys." I said as I walked through the door, and let it shut. I pulled my bag down the stairs letting it land at the drop. I turned the corner to go down the stairs, when the heavy door opened. I heard the commotion of people and footsteps heavy on the metal stairs.

"Marley!" Johns voice echoed through the stairwell.

Great. Here he comes. I might as well just sign my own death certificate and hand it in now.

"Baby!" he called when he rounded the corner. I turned around and looked right into his eyes. "I'm sorry." he breathed. I couldn't say anything. The group had moved from the hallway into the stairs. Do I have to fucking go through this again. Didn't this just happen 15 minuets ago? I continued to pull my bag down the another set of stairs when it was stopped. "Just talk to me." he said holding onto the strap.

"Fuck it, I don't need clothes." I said letting the strap fall from my hand, and I heading down the stairs. Fuck. I need my money though. And my duffle bag is where my purse is. John stood on the stairs and watched me walk back up. I leaned down to the bag and unzipped it. I grabbed my small purse from inside, only to be stopped by Johns massive paw. For once is touch was gentle. There was nothing harsh about the way he tried to get my purse out of his hand.

"Just leave me alone" I whispered. I could feel the heart break coming into my eyes. I'm sure he saw the emotion running across my face, because his jaw softened. Maybe for the first time ever, he realized how much he's actually hurting me.

"I'm out. I'm way past done, and I ca…" he cut me off with his lips.

I don't want to kiss him. I don't want to feel anything for him. I pushed him back, and he started at me with shock all over his face. That was his goodbye kiss. If I could help it. I would never see him again. His hand was still gripped on the strap of the bag. I reached down and picked up my purse. Candice, Matt, Jillian, Jeff and Randy looked at me from their place on the stairs. I said nothing as I walked down them and out of the door into the lobby. I help my purse tightly in my hands as I walked out the front door of the hotel. I stood on the curb and hailed the first cab I saw.

"JFK Please." I said quietly to the driver.

I saw John run out of the door as the cab pulled away. I put my hand on the window, and traced his face through the glass. The glass felt cool against my forehead, and the tears were falling harder than the rain. I didn't notice the cab had stopped until the driver told me we were there. I stepped out and pulled the hood of my sweatshirt over my head. I walked into the terminal and slid a credit card over to the lady.

"Where to?" she asked me, a little too bubbly for 3 in the morning if you ask me. But who am I to judge anybody.

"Boston, Massachusetts. Please." I waited for her to print my ticket and give me the flight time. Surprisingly, this would be the first time in the airport I wouldn't mind waiting around for 2 hours. I had no idea where I was going when I got there, but I knew it would be better than staying there.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer- I still don't own shit. Big surprise, right?

Chapter 3- Pie and Invitations.

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**3 and ½ years later**

Gracie was my beautiful baby girl. She's 3 now. Johns never seen her, although if he looked at her, I wasn't sure how he would react.. She got my curly hair, but his lighter brown color. She got his blue eyes. She got my nose and my cheek bones. But is strong features, and his short temper. She was a perfect mixture of me and John.

I'm still living in Boston. I work in an upscale restaurant. Its not much, but it pays the bills, especially around the holidays. I finished wiping the table off and untied the small apron from around my waist.

"Okay, Kelly." I spoke through the kitchen, throwing the rag into the deep silver sink.

"You're leavin?" she asked me coming around the corner.

"Yeah, I gotta head to Carols and get Gracie." I reminded her, straightening out my black pants.

Call me crazy, but I love Johns mom. She and John Sr. are the closest thing to parents I've ever had. I didn't feel right the day she came into the restaurant, and saw me almost 35 weeks pregnant and I was still working. She was shocked to say the least. Shocked I had left John, and she didn't know about it. Shocked I would come back to Boston. But honestly, where else was I going to go? This was my home. Its all I knew. And most definitely shocked that I was standing there, almost ready to deliver her grandchild.

I never had it in my heart to keep my baby away from her Nana and Poppy. She loved them, hell, I loved them. Carol was persistent on watching her while I worked, and who was I to turn down that offer.

I pulled my dark blue ford focus into the driveway of the home. I knocked on the door and then opened it. I walked through the kitchen and found Gracie and Carol making some kind of pie.

"Mommy! Nana and me is makin pie for tanks'giv'n." Gracie said smiling at me, with her curly hair in a high pony tail on her head.

"Yeah, baby?" I smiled at her. "What kind?" I asked, pulling a stood out from the island counter.

"I not sure. Wut kind is we makin Nana." she said, looking at Carol with dough on her fingers and flour on her cheeks.

"Pumpkin, Honey." Carol answered.

"Yeah, Punk'n." Gracie quipped, putting her small hand back into the dough.

"You're coming for Thanksgiving, right?" Carol asked me.

Oh fuck! Was I? John would be there. He didn't miss family events for anything. I haven't went the past 2 years, why would this year be any different. I couldn't be around him. Who knew what would happen. Granted, it was a different situation, now, but still. The memory is still vivid.

"Please Come honey. Nothing will happen. Just good ol' fashion eatin." she finished with a smiled. It was almost like she was reading my mind.

"Carol, I don't know if I.." I started. I looked at Gracie. I felt a pang in my heart. I know I shouldn't keep her from knowing John, but I don't want her hurt like I was. He could have easily killed her before she was born. If I didn't get out of there that night. He would have, I know it.

"I'm just scared about her seeing him." I said lowering my head.

"Honey, you listen to me. I'll deal with that boy, you just bring your beautiful self and my grand baby over here and we'll have a good time cooking and eating." she said smiling. Cooking and Eating. Carol's form of therapy.

"Yeah, Mommy" Gracie said. She smiled at me showing her dimples and it melted my heart. John was a dickhead, for sure, but he gave me the best thing in the world.

"You don't even know what we're talking about Gracie." I smiled and spoke at her softly.

"Hmm." she smiled looking back into the huge bowl.

Carol looked at me again, and over to John Sr. as he walked into the room.

"It'll be a good idea, Marley." he smiled, putting an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. How do I say no, when both of them are there. And I couldn't keep Gracie away from them on the holidays, even if I didn't think I was strong enough to see John.

I took a deep breath, all of my sense leaving me. "Okay, what time should I be here then?" I asked, focusing my eyes to the marbled counter top.

"How about around 10 in the morning. I could really use the help cooking." she said smiling. She was like my own mother, and she told me countless times I'm the daughter she never had. I loved her, and not showing up tomorrow would break her heart.

"I'll be here." I said smiling, and walking around the counter to clean my daughter up.

"Mama, can I stay the night with Poppy and Nana?" she asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

"No, baby. We gotta get you home so you can take a bath, and we can pick out a really pretty dress to wear tomorrow okay. We'll be back to Poppy's in the morning." I said kneeling on her level. It amazed me how much more she looked like John everyday. I wiped my hand over my nose and picked up her coat from the back of the stool.

"Give Nana and Poppy hugs and kisses and we'll see them in the morning." I said zipping her jacket. She made her rounds and I hoisted her onto my hip. I gave Carol and John a quick hug and kiss and made my way to my car. Headlights coming into the driveway almost blinded me, and I leaned in to strap Gracie into her booster seat.

I noticed the car was Dan's. One of Johns brothers. I waved at him, as he pulled up next to me. I got in the car and started it so it wouldn't be too cold on Gracie.

"You comin for dinner tomorrow?" He asked me, stepping over to the back door, opening it and giving Gracie a quick kiss. "You comin to see Uncle Danny tomorrow, munchkin?" he asked her.

"YEP!" she squealed when he tickled her sides.

"Okay Dan, see you in the morning." I said sitting in the seat. He nodded his head. "Thanks for coming, Marley. I know Mom and Dad really want you here." he said sticking his hands in his coat.

"I know." I managed. I just didn't know how it would be seeing John for the first time in almost 4 years. I've never moved on. I haven't even went on a date since I left him. I can't fathom the thought of loving anyone like I loved him.

I pulled out of the driveway and drove to my apartment. After giving Gracie a bath and picking out her clothes I went to my room and settled on my bed. It was a long day, that just got longer. Gracie stepped into my room, and bounced on my bed.

"Wutch'a doin, mommy?" she asked me, sitting in her pink footed pajamas.

"Mommys, just thinking, baby." I said, smiling at her. I looked at the clock on my night stand and noticed it was 10 minuets till 10:00. "You." I paused tapping her little nose with my finger. "Need to go to bed." I said picking her up and carrying her to her room. "I love you, bug." I smiled, and kissed her forehead.

I turned on the nightlight and closed her door halfway. I leaned against the wall in the living room and sighed, trying to collect my thoughts. It was going to be a long day tomorrow, and I wasn't sure I was ready.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer- Don't own it. Its not mine. I just write it. Thanks for the love.

Chapter 4- Thanksgiving in West Newberry.

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I pulled into the driveway. I don't know what was louder, Gracie yelling in the backseat or my heart pounding in my ears. It was only 10 in the morning, surely he wasn't here yet right? I looked at the vehicles in the driveway. Dan's mustang. Matt's Civic, Steve's truck and Boog's Escalade. No sign of John's car. Any one of them. That was good sign. But Sr.'s truck was gone. And that was weird.

I knocked on the door quickly and let myself in. I set Gracie down and took off her black fuzzy jacket. She ran immediately to the kitchen hollering for her Nana the whole way. I slipped off my chunky boots and fallowed her.

"Hi Honey." she said coming over to me and giving me hug. "I'm so glad you came." she said handing me another apron.

"Where's Poppy?" I asked her, referring to John Sr.

"Oh, he, Dan, and Boog went to the airport to get John." She said, looking me directly in the eye. "I know its going to be a little uncomfortable, but it will all be fine." she said patting my arm.

Yeah. It'll all be fine. I wonder how much John told her about our breakup. I wonder if he told her that he was an abusive little shit for months. I wonder if he told her that he choked me out and slammed me into a wall in front of his friends while he knew I was pregnant. Carol must have caught the look on my face. The airport was 20 minuets away, meaning they would be here… Yep that's the door opening and my daughter running to her Poppy. Fuck.

"Poppppyy." she squealed running to him. I was frozen. Carol walked over to me, and whispered in my ear.

"He knows about her." she said, trying to reassure me.

"I know, I told him I was pregnant before I left." I whispered back. I had to be strong now. I couldn't let Gracie see me crumble in front of everybody. I never want her to think I'm weaker than I am.

Poppy came into the kitchen holding Gracie. He gave Carol a kiss and told her that Dan and Boog were helping John with his bags. He set Gracie in my lap and she turned to face me.

"Uncle Danny and Uncle Booger are here!" she exclaimed clapping her hands.

"I know, baby." I replied hugging her tightly. I heard the door open and close again, and my heart rose into my throat. Carol turned her attention from the stove when the heavy footsteps were heard entering the room.

My heart fell to my ass when he looked at me, with Gracie still on my lap. I closed my eyes and looked at Gracie. She had no idea what was going on. Boog and Dan walked into the room, hyping Gracie up.

"MUNCKIN!!" Boog hollered to her.

"Boogie Face!" Gracie hollered back. She jumped off my lap and ran to him. He scooped her up in his arms and exited the kitchen.

I couldn't bring myself to look at John. After all this was HIS house. And I'm sitting in HIS kitchen, with HIS mother.

"Marley, could you peel these turnip?" Carol asked me handing me a knife and a bowl.

I nodded. I couldn't find my voice. I saw Johns hands rest on the counter.

"Did you make pie, ma?" he asked.

His voice made me want to burst into tears now. I wanted to grab my daughter and get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. I knew it was never going to happen. I set myself up for this right? I mean. I accepted the offer.

"I sure did." she answered him with a kiss on his cheek. He nodded, and smiled.

"And whipped cream?" he asked.

"John, what kind of Thanksgiving is it, if I don't make you your favorite pie?" Carol quipped, and slapped his shoulder with the hand towel. Carol made her way into the living room, to check on Poppy and the rest of the clan. Somehow I can only think of his as a set up. His fingers drummed the counter top and he cleared his throat.

"Hi Marley." he said speaking to me softly.

"Hi John." I said in a whisper, not looking at him.

"Mommy, guess what Uncle boog did!" Gracie squealed running into the kitchen with Boog fallowing her. Saved by the bell..well..the kid.

"What's that baby?" I asked swallowing hard. I could feel Johns eyes on me. He looked at me and back at Gracie.

"Uncle Boog, Take my nose off." She laughed. He did the joke, sending Gracie into fits of laughter.

"That's funny, baby." I said as she climbed onto my lap.

I looked at John when I felt him starring.

"This is her?" he asked in disbelief. "She's so beautiful." he whispered.

I didn't know what to say. Of course it is you dumbass. You couldn't fucking tell? I wanted to scream at him. I nodded and sighed, turning Gracie to face me. It was now or never.

"Baby." I started. She looked back at John.

"She has my eyes." he started. I nodded at him.

"I know" I said softly.

"Mommy, who dat?" She asked pointing to him. I looked at John, and felt tears springing from my eyes. He always had an effect on me, even if it was just a thought.

"He uhmm..This.." I paused. I couldn't find the words. How do I tell her that I kept her from him for all this time. "He's your daddy, baby." I said, defeated. I heard John suck in air, and I looked up at him. His face held a genuine smile. One I hadn't seen in a long time.

"I got a daddy?" Gracie asked. I couldn't help the tears falling down my face. How could I have hurt her like that. After all of this shielding her from him, after all of the pain he caused, I never wanted Gracie to feel that. I continued to look in his eyes. I could have sworn I saw them glass over like he was about to cry.

"You want to tell him your name, baby?" I asked her. She nodded.

"I'm Gracie Ashland Cena." she said with a small smile. I need a fucking cigarette. I hope Dan has one for me. This wasn't the way I wanted it to happen. This wasn't the way I imagined, or hoped, or even thought about.

I've never heard John so silent, ever. He walked around the counter and stood in front of me.

"Can I…Can I hold her?" He asked with furrowed eyebrows. He looked at me and back at Gracie. "Can I give you a hug?" He asked her. She nodded and held her short arms out and reached for him. He picked her up from my lap, wrapping his huge arms around her small waist. He buried his head into the side of my little girls neck and breathed deep. He glanced at me for a second and I could have sworn I seen a tear drip from his eye.

"Marley, I'm so sorry." He said looking at me over our daughters arms. What did he expect me to say. I was once again at a loss for words with John, and I knew there would be more to come. Did he even know what he was sorry for, and did he even mean it.

"John, don't." I said with a shaky voice.

"No, Mar. I gotta tell you how much I fucked up."

"John!" I exclaimed. "Don't swear around her, please." I said a little calmer.

"I'm sorry, I'm kinda new at this whole thing." he smirked.

I wanted to tell him he'd catch on. I mean, he is her father, but I didn't want him to taint her life like he did mine years ago. He _could _be a different person than he was. I mean, its possible. He could have realized how much he fucked my world up, and he could know now that he hurt me, right? Who knows. John doesn't change for anybody, and its always his way. He rubbed his hands down Gracie's back and set her feet on the ground.

"Mommy, can I go play with Uncle Boog?" she asked me, looking over at John and then back in my direction.

"Sure you can, baby." I said sitting down and grabbing the knife to finish the turnip.

"Can we talk?" he asked pulling the stool out next to me.

"There's nothing to talk about, John." I said in a hushed voice.

"You know there is. You know we need to talk." he said in the same tone.

Yeah. I knew that. But how do I talk to him after 3 years? How do I just play it cool? How do I keep my emotions from getting in the way? There's so many questions I needed the answer to, and the only way I was going to get them is if I talked to him. He was right.

"Let's go outside." he said pointing to the back door. I studied the door, and then looked at his face. "I'm not gonna hurt you." he finished.

I stood from the stool and grabbed my coat. I went into the living room and coaxed Dan into giving me a cigarette, and I grabbed my coat on the way out.

I stood on the back porch, leaning against the railing. I put the Marlboro to my lips and lit it, taking a deep drag.

"I know I hurt you." he started. No shit Sherlock. That's was a ball right into left field, now wasn't it? Instead of saying it, I nodded. "You have to know I loved you more than anything though, I still do." he said, looking at me.

I didn't make eye contact with him. After 3 and ½ years he still loves me? Well, maybe. I knew I still loved him. I wasn't ready to walk away from my relationship, but in order to save me and my baby, I had to. So if he felt like I did, it was safe to say he still loved me.

"John, you really…really hurt me. Not just physically." He nodded at me. His strong facial features studying mine.

"What a dumb ass kid I was…" He said.

"You were 26, far from a kid." I said looking at him. He breathed deep, and gripped his hands onto the wooden railing.

"I got suspended for 90 days, after what happened in the hotel." he breathed, quietly.

I looked at him and tilted my head to the side. Un be-fucking-lievable. "I know I should have gotten prison time, or something." he said studying my face. I shook my head to the side.

"This was a bad idea." I sad tossing the cigarette into the snow, and I starting for the door.

"I really do love you." he said, stopping me in my tracks.

My chin hit my chest, I was afraid if I cried anymore, the tears would freeze onto my cheeks. He put his hand on my shoulder and turned me to face him. His hand felt like it was going to burn a hole through my jacket, and skin me. I was scared, to say the least. I mean the last time his man out his hands on me, he choked me in front of 5 people. 5 of his friends, at that.

I looked into his eyes, and noticed the glass haze over them. Crying. John Cena is going to fucking cry?

"I fucked up so bad, and I betrayed your trust, and I cheated on you and I fucked with your head." he went on

What the fuck was he trying to do. I know all of this. I know what he did.

"Thanks for reminding me." I said looking at the pattern my shoes were making in the ground.

"I went to a counselor for 2 years. And he told me if I ever saw you again, I should leave you alone."

"You always did have a problem listening."

"You have my kid, Marley." he said, looking directly into my eyes. "How do I leave that alone?" he asked.

"The same way you've been leaving it alone for 3 years." I answered him.

"No" he paused, shaking his head. "I called my mom everyday, just to ask her how you guys were. I wanted to be there, I wanted to see her be born, but I knew if I came to that hospital, it would do nothing but hurt you, so I _stayed_ the fuck away."

"I don't know what to say to you, John, I mean.." I paused wringing my hands around each other. "I don't know what you want to hear."

His eyes stared into mine. Damn those eyes. "I just want to be in her life. I want her to know who her daddy is." he said, his voice breaking a little.

"I'm not trying to keep you out of her life, I just…can't have you fuck up mine." I stated.

"Mar, I'm not that guy anymore. I know how much I fucked up. I know how hard it had to be for you to leave me. I know I made everyday difficult, I just wanted.."

"Difficult, John? You beat my ass, and for what?" I asked him. "Why? What did I do?" I had been wanting to ask him that question since the first day he slapped me.

"You never did anything." he admitted. "I just loved you so much, that I was afraid you were going to leave me. I never thought I would _make_ you leave me. I mean…you had every right, I would have done the same thing."

I didn't answer him. I know he didn't ask me anything, but what could I say. Everything I had said to him, was nothing. How do I put into words what I felt like.

"Sometimes…I wished you would have just killed me." I spoke softly. "You were a different person, and I didn't know what provoked it. I thought it had to be something I was doing, because you had your shit together. And I found out I was pregnant, and I knew that one night you were going to be so mad, it wouldn't have mattered." I started to cry. Damn it.

Way to fucking go Marley. Just cry in front of him and let him know that you're still the vulnerable little girl you were 3 years ago. I felt him wrap his strong arm around my shoulder and pull me into his chest. Even if I wanted to pull away, I couldn't. The truth is, I missed how he felt. I missed his smell, I missed his arms and his words, I missed how he could make me laugh at anything. I missed…him. His free arm snaked around my waist, pulling me closer. My hands obviously have a mind of their own. They found their way to his biceps and my forehead was pressed hard against his chest. He smoothed my hair down and placed stray pieces behind my ears.

"Are you okay? I mean…are you doin good?" he asked.

"I'm alright, Your mom watches Gracie while I work. Which is a life saver, cuz I'm sure I would have lost my job by now." I said still pressed into his chest.

"God, I love you so much it hurts." he breathed into my hair.

"I know the feeling. I really do. But I have a daughter to think about now, and what's best for her comes first." I said pulling back.

He nodded, showing me that he understood. "I know. I just want to be a good father." he said releasing my shoulders. "And I want to be good for you."

I shook my head lightly. "John, I can…" He cut me off.

"I know its going to take time, a lot of time. I'll be right here waiting for you." he whispered leaning his head into mine. I pulled back before he could kiss me. I couldn't let that happen. Not while every emotion known to man is floating around inside of me. Scared was a good word. Yeah, I'm scared. Fucking terrified of being with him again.

"Too fast, too soon. I know. C'mon lets go eat." he said holding the door open for me.

We walked into the kitchen, receiving looks from his family. Yeah. I know guys. Tell me about it. Gracie was sitting in Poppy's lap at the table eating off a cheese and cracker tray.

"Baby, don't eat so many crackers, I want you to be able to eat dinner." I said looking at her.

"I will eat." she replied.

"Gracie, stop eating crackers." I spoke to her more sternly. She put the cracker on the table and hopped of John Sr.'s lap. She walked over to John and looked at him. He looked down at her and picked her up.

"You want a cracker?" I heard him whisper to her. She giggled and nodded. Her curly pigtails were bouncing and her smile showed her dimples.

"Poppy has the same name as you." Gracie pointed out while they sat down.

"I know." he told her, sliding a cracker across the table

" And I have the same color hair as you." she said, touching his short brown hair.

"Its cuz I'm your daddy." he said smiling, and placing a kiss on her cheek.

Carol and I finished cooking dinner, and placed everything out. I made Gracie a plate and sat her at the table. I took a seat next to her, and we ate our meal. The clock was rounding 9 when we finished the dishes. I went into the living room to check on Gracie, but stopped when I noticed John Sr., Dan, Matt, and Boog all sleeping on the sectional. I looked over to the chaise, and noticed Gracie fast asleep on John's chest, one arm draped protectively over her, and his other arm behind his head. Carol came around the corner and looked at the scene in the room.

"Why don't you two just stay here tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, I don't know Car.." I stared.

"It's fine. You can sleep in Johns room"

"Where is he going to sleep?" I asked. It was a good question. Where _was_ he going to sleep. Dan, Matt and Boog were all staying, so were their girlfriends, and Uncle Mark and Aunt Dianne were sleeping in the living room.

"Well figure it out." Who was I to argue with her. It was past Gracie's bed time by an hour, but I had no clothes here. Gracie had spare clothes, what was I going to sleep in? Where was I going to sleep.

I stifled a yawn and went to the couch to get Gracie. I lifted Johns arm from around her, and he opened his eyes.

"Sorry." I whispered "I just want to put her to bed." I said trying to move her and not wake her up. No dice. She clutched onto Johns shirt and nuzzled her face into his neck.

"I'll do it." he whispered sitting up carefully. "Where you puttin' her?" he asked.

I pointed upstairs and fallowed him. He handed me Gracie as he pulled the featherbed out from under his full sized mattress. He threw a sheet on over it and got some pillows from Dan's room and a blanket from Boogs.

"I'll sleep down there with her." I said, taking my hair out of the clip and removing the belt from my jeans.

"No. Sleep up here with me." he said sitting on the bed.

"John, that's probably not a good idea." I said looking at him. He stood from the bed and pulled his shirt off. Oh my god. There's that fucking body. Defined, everything.

I stood at the door and watched Gracie get comfortable on the featherbed.

"We're just sleeping, Marley. Nothing else, but sleeping." He said looking at me, and tossing a suitcase on the bed. He looked at me and noticed I was by the door.

"Where you goin?" he asked me.

"I need to get a t shirt or something from your mom." I told him.

He tossed me a shirt from his suitcase, and I smiled at him. "Shorts?" I asked.

His light chuckle filled the room.

"Boxers?" he asked, holding a pair up. I help my hand up for him to toss them too, and started to make my way to the bathroom to change.

"What are you doin, now?" he asked,

"Going to change." I stated.

"Mar." he started. He was right. Again. I shed my shirt and placed the large t shirt over my body. I started to take my pants off, and an awkwardness rushed through my body. I swallowed hard. God, I have his fucking kid, what was I thinking. I put the boxers on and folded my clothes setting them on the dresser. I walked over and pulled the blanket on the bed down, and hopped in on the side that Gracie was on. I felt the bed shift and looked over at John who was looking over my shoulder at Gracie.

"She's an amazing little girl." He said. I could feel his breath on my arms and his smell was intoxicating at the moment. Bad idea. A very, VERY bad idea.

"I know." I smiled. "She's….I don't even know. She's my everything." I said clicking the light off and turning onto my back. I pulled my arms to my body and laid in the dark. I felt the bed shift again, and Johns arm pull my body to his.

"John.." I whispered.

"I just want to hold you, Baby." he breathed, sinking his head into the pillow.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer- I still don't own anything.

This story will have its intense moments. I just want to clarify that.

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I looked at the clock beside me. 3:23 am. Great. Fucking perfect. I can't sleep. I won't be able to. I can hear John moving around next to me.

His hand finds its way to my waist and he slides his pinky into the waistband of the boxers I'm wearing and slides them down to my mid thigh. He always did that, so nothing would be in the way of his hand sliding up and down the side of my body. My shirt would be pushed up to my breasts and half of my crotch would be hanging out. But as long as he could run his hands along me, he didn't give a fuck.

He was still sleeping. Go figure. Its been 4 fucking years and he still does this shit. Was it subconsciously? I can't stay here. All day long I wanted to throw up. His presence makes me feel a little bit ill. I'm starting to not trust myself. I can't get back into a relationship with guy. Nope. Fuck that.

He's lightly running his fingers over my side. They stop on my ass, and he pulls me closer to his body. I study his face. His long eyelashes are resting on the pillows of his tanned cheeks. His face is serious, and his lips are barely parted. His head is tilted back a little on the pillow, making his neck accessible, his Adams apple is almost protruding his skin, but it makes him sexier.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Marley? You CAN NOT fucking do this. Nope. Leave! Now!

I listened to myself. I slid my way out of Johns arm and placed my feet carefully on the floor. I looked at Gracie. I'm not trying to keep John away from her. Don't think that. I'm trying to keep him away from me. I wanna believe he changed. I really do. I swear. I just don't think its possible. John doesn't change for anybody. Ever. And he made that really clear.

I tiptoed, literately, to the dresser. I felt like I should be shoving shit into a pillowcase. Who the fuck really tiptoes. I feel like I'm sneaking out. Well, I guess I kind of am, aren't I? Great. Did I forget to mention how much of a fucking coward I am.

I slipped into my jeans and threw my sweater on over my head. I Picked up Gracie and tossed the blanket over her. I could grab her stuff later. I would never keep her from Carol and John, or John. Ever. That's not the issue here. The problem at hand, right now, this fucking very moment in time, is how my heart is fucking gonna explode out of my god damned chest if I don't get the fuck out of this house. 3:30 in the morning, or not.

I opened the door, as quietly as possible. I didn't bother to shut it all the way. Why risk waking him up?

I loved knowing this house like the back of my hand. A lot of good shit happened here. A lot of bad shit too, but none the less, I loved it like I had grown up in it myself. Carol had a special way with people. She could always make someone feel like they were at their own house, it was relaxing, and I was peacin' out, quick like.

I'm not sure if the door slammed. I'm not sure if I cranked the engine of my car too much, fuck, I'm not sure if I should have put Gracie in the front seat, and I wasn't sure why I was crying so fucking hard, I could barely see. I silently thanked god that I lived close. 15 minuets away, my apartment was small, but I was secure.

I pushed the button on the elevator quickly. Fuck. Its not like someone fallowed me. Why the fuck was I so frantic. Oh, I know. I just fucking bailed on John Cena. Again.

I fully expect my phone to be ringing off the hook in 3 hours. I piled through my door, Gracie hadn't woken up the whole time. Just like John, she can sleep through almost anything. I wake up if someone drops a pin on the sidewalk a block over. Its been 4 years since I've had a full 6 hour sleep.

I settle her on her bed and look at the clock sitting on top of my entertainment center. 4:15. Deciding its probably better if I try and get some sleep, I retreat to my bedroom. Pulling off my jeans, I realize I was in such a hurry that I still have Johns boxers on. Great. Fucking Wonderful. I change into my own fleece pajama pants, and leave the t-shirt on. I don't even feel tired. I threw myself on the couch in my living room. Knees to my chest and chin on my kneecaps, I close my eyes. I must have dozed off, cuz now I'm looking at the clock again, and someone is banging on my door at 6:42 in the morning.

Guess who? No, go ahead. Guess. Yeah. John. I debate on opening the door. I could stare at him through this little glass hole. I'm safe back here. His hats backwards, which means he's been thinking. He's wearing basketball shorts and a hoodie. He looks pissed, too. By the way.

He pounds with the bottom of his fist again. "Marley. I know your fucking here. Your car is outside. Open the door." I swallowed. Hard.

I opened the door anyways. "Would you stop fucking pounding, My daughter is sleeping." he shoved past me and into my apartment, his hands inside of his hoodie pocket.

"What the fuck, Marley?" He asked, pacing the room. "Why did you just fucking leave?"

What can I say to him. There's nothing I can say that he's going to want to hear. He wants to hear that I want to be with him again, and that I forgive him for everything he's done. I haven't though. And it still hurts when I think about it. And it hurts even more now, that he's standing right in front of me, again.

"I was uncomfortable." I managed.

He scoffed a little. "Wha--Why?" he asked shaking his head. "I make you uncomfortable?" he asked.

I nodded my head. Hell yeah. He makes me timid as a fucking church mouse.

"I'm scared of you, John." I admited, for the first time ever. I was scared of him. Scared Shitless. I think that's how the expression goes. Although, I'm sure I could have shit myself right then. Scared to fall back into that deep fucking need you love, bullshit. Scared fucking shitless. Yep. That's good.

I looked at him. Emotions were flooding his face. His eyebrows buckled together and his hand was running over the short hairs on the back of his head. He looked down at me, hand still in place.

"What do you want me to do?" He asked, simply. It wasn't simple. I don't want him to do anything, but stay away from me. Going to Thanksgiving dinner was stupid of me. Lying next to him in the same bed, was fucking stupid. Ever loving him in the first place, was stupid.

"Let get on with my life." I whispered. "Let me get over you. Let me forget you." Poetic, right? I really wanted to get over him. I know I still love him. But sometimes, its not enough. Trust me when I say, loving John is not enough. I can put all my eggs in once basket, but I can't do it for John.

She shook his head furiously. His hand came down, to his face and his whole hand pointed at Gracie's room. I couldn't help it, I flinched. I don't know for sure what I was expecting. I just know that when things don't go Johns way. The shit-ith, hit-ith, the fan-ith.

A dry laugh escaped his lips. "And what about her?" He asked.

"What about her, John? You finally want to see her for the first time in 3 years, and you're acting like father of the year? What if we didn't go to dinner yesterday? Huh, John? Where would you be standing right now? Probably in your moms kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee, and reading the fucking paper, right? Not here. You wouldn't fucking be here giving a fuck about her."

"Would you shut the fuck up, Marley? Don't stand there and act like you fucking know who I am anymore. You left me. Remember? You left me standing in the fucking rain In New York City. You left---"

I fucking cut him off. Was he fucking serious? Did he miss something, or was he too fucking juiced up to remember anything?

"You can't be fucking serious, John. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you seriously missing the chemical in your mind that makes you think before you speak? _**You**_ treated _**me**_ like shit. Not the other way around. I had every reason to fucking leave you, and you said it yourself."

His hand raised again, and I backed up this time, raising my hands a little, preparing my shield, if you will.

He shook his head, and gave me a confused look.

"You really fuckin hurt me John, and you didn't give a fuck. I needed you to be there for me, and you weren't. I needed you to tell me you loved me, and tell me that I was beautiful. Not that I was a slut, or a bitch, or a dirty whore. God, John." I threw my hands up in frustration. "I fucking needed _you_."

His jaw clenched with every word that I said to him. I knew I was yelling. I was kinda pissed that he was gonna try to throw this all on me. I mean, I don't remember pushing him down stairs, and slamming his fucking dome off a wall. I never choked him until he thought he would pass out. I never made him have rough sex with me. I never treated him like a big bag of asshole in front of my friends. How the fuck was any of this on him?

He reached his hand out to touch my face, and I slapped it away. "You can see Gracie, whenever you want. But you don't need to see me." I said walking to the door and holding it open.

"I'm not leaving. Stop wasting your fuckin time." He said sitting on the couch.

I walked over to the bar in the kitchen and picked the phone up. As soon as he heard the dialing he was in front of me and throwing the phone on the floor. Pieces of the phone scattered on the linoleum floor. I focused my eyes on the floor, but it was abruptly halted when his hand was gripping my jaw. Told you he couldn't have changed. The counter top was sinking into the skin on my bag and my breath was ragged. I could feel the hot liquid escape my eyes and fall over my lips.

"I don't want to do this again." He whispered.

I hate when you're crying so hard you can't breath. You can't talk. You can't do anything but cry. "P-P-Ple- Please." I mumbled. His touch hurt. His eyes hurt as he forced me to look into them.

"J-J-J-John" I couldn't help it. I was blubbering. I could hear Gracie's door opening and he didn't move.

"Mommy?" Her sleep filled voice called.

I looked at John, pleading with him to let me go. He stood still, his fingers still locked into my skin.

"Mommy?" She asked, coming into the kitchen. John looked over at her, and let my chin go, instantly.

She walked over to me, and her tiny hand rested on the side of my leg. "Why are you cryin, momma?"

I couldn't answer her. I picked her up and held her to me. I shoved my way past John and went into my room. Before I could get the door shut, his foot was wedged in between the frame and the door was closing on his foot. Gracie was asking questions in my ear, and I was slamming the door into Johns sneaker.

He pushed the door open fiercely, thrusting me backward. I stumbled onto the floor, still holding Gracie to me.

"Just get the fuck out!" I screamed at him, while his gaze was piercing through mine.

Gracie jumped at the tone of my voice, and started crying instantly. She'd never heard me yell like that at anybody, ever. I knew it scared her, and I felt like shit, but what the fuck can I do? He won't leave. He won't say a fucking thing.

He gripped my arm and pulled me up. Gracie clung to my neck and I held my free arm tightly around her waist. She was screeching in my ear, and crying for John to stop. It broke my heart. Yeah. Yesterday was a bad fucking idea. He looked dead into my eyes, and then at Gracie. He shook his head, like he was clearing thoughts from his mind.

He licked his lips and released is grip roughly, making me stumble, and then trip onto the bed. He turned around and walked out of the room, and I heard the door slam shut.

I set Gracie in my lap and looked at her. "I'm really really sad, mommy." she whispered.

A fresh set of tears fell down my face and I buried my head into my hands.

"I know, that's my fault, kid." I said, pulling her closer to me.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer- Its not real. I don't own Anybody affiliated with the WWE and I don't make shit off this. Thanks for the great reviews…you guys fucking rock.

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What the fuck was I possibly thinking yesterday? Carol just called. Maybe I should fill you in. She thought I had a bad dream, and staying there was just a tad too much. YA THINK? I love that woman to death, but she can be so fucking clueless. I guess it comes from being the only girl in a house with 6 guys. I'd probably get a little slow too. She didn't say anything about John coming to see me this morning, only that he'd asked for my address. HENCE. Hence, my friends. He didn't tell her shit.

I need to get out of here. Not like, move from Boston, let me admit, I love Boston. Its my home. Everything I know, is Boston. Including John. John. I met him at Caputie's grill. I was a waitress, and I had a table one night. Go figure, I was a waitress. They were the loudest table in the fucking place, and you could hear them out the back door. Wings, and beer. Coors light. Coors fucking light. Always. Beer of choice. Coors light. I turned him down at first. Yeah, turns out, I'm not the best judge of character either. Sorry. He said he'd just hit the raw roster. The what? It sounded like a deformed rooster. Raw roster. Yep close enough for me.

Those guys filled me in all night on wrestling. So, its not just a bunch of red-necks punching people huh. Cuz these guys were…let me tell you…AMAZING. Their bodies, their faces, they actually had personalities. I was amazed. So, never judge a book by its cover. Ever. Anyways. John asked me to go to dinner with him. No. I said no. Who wanted to even try to be with someone that had girls all over them all the time. Girls just throw their underwear at him. Who fucking does that. They actually take off their panties, and launch them. 'Hi, I'm a huge slut!' was etched onto the silk, I'm sure.

He came into my work everyday, for two weeks straight. 14 fucking days in a row, and sit there until the bar closed. One night he ended up walking me home. He fucking had a car, but walked me home, because I wouldn't take a ride with him. I thought it was sweet, but what the fuck did I know. He asked me to dinner again on day 12. I said yes.

He was pretty perfect. Sweet as hell, funny as shit, and cut like butter. He was the perfect guy, and I silently cursed myself for making him work so hard. I was a bitch to him. Bad.

Blah fuckin Blah. I fell in love with him. I craved John. I cried when he left, I cried when we saw each other again, I cried when he asked me to come on the road with him, because 'He couldn't be away from me like that, anymore.' Cute, right? It was great for a while. You know how it ended. The first people I met were Randy and Adam. Let me tell you something about Mr.Orton. The 'legend killer' gimmick, is fucking hilarious. He's a strong man, but he's not tough, if you know what I mean. The little thing, only people know about him if you have to share close quarters with the guy, Randy is…afraid of spiders. If you ever wanna see a 6"4' wrestler, wag his hands and scream like a bitch. Tell him there's a spider. He checks his bed, and when he takes his shoes off, he turns them over, so shit can't get inside of them. He says its because he's from Missouri, and they have scorpions. Yeah. I know that. But its fucking RANDY.

I could get started on Adam, and on for days. Literately. The guy wakes up in a good mood. Everyday. He eats vinegar on his French fries. It has to be a Canadian thing. The smell of vinegar makes me want to vomit. I don't eat a lot of condiments, because of vinegar. Very Rarely I eat ketchup, and I just barely touch the food to it. But hey, that's his thing. He's hilarious. The guy is a party. Okay, I'll you this, cuz its hilarious. We were wasted one night. Shit Faced. Me, John, Adam, Randy, Jeff, Matt, Candace, and some of Matt's friends. I don't really remember their names. Lets face it. I had John there, all night long, and when you give him some alcohol, its on, and its fucking sexy.

The way he pulled my body close to his with one hand, and his other hand would be holding his beer, or Yag-bomb, close to my side and his head would be tilted, looking straight at me. Call me crazy. I loved it. The way he made me feel was ridiculous. I told you earlier, John made me retarded sometimes. I meant it. Somebody should have handed me helmet. Fuck. I needed it. I crashed and fucking burned.

Wow. Okay, back on this thing.. We were trashed, we stopped at this little Indian gas station, with one bathroom, around the side of the building. Me and Candace had to pee. We're not shy. Sorry. Adam fucking barged in the bathroom, like there was no lock on the door, I'm standing by the sink, and Candace was doing her thing. He fucking ripped her off the toilet, in the middle of her….deal. Yeah. I couldn't fucking believe it either. I died laughing. She pee'd on her jeans. He's a guy. He could just pee outside. Nope. Not Adam. He doesn't remember it. But I do, and so does she. She didn't think it was so funny.

Anyways. I should probably tell you while I'm doing all this thinking, that I'm taking a little road trip. Hey, I said I needed to get out of there. I packed some clothes for me and my girl, and we're on the road. Heading south out of Boston. North Carolina. Why am I going here you ask?

No. You probably don't ask. You probably, know. Cuz let's face it, you guys are way smarter than me. He could be married, with kids. Fuck I don't know. He could have a girl friend, he could be gay now. I seriously doubt that, he was way too sensual. Okay. I have a confession. A small confession. John was kinda being a dick to me one night. I know, hard to believe. I ran into Jeff, I was bawling, as little babies do, and we kissed. It was small, but it was fucking powerful. I think maybe because in my mind, I was already leaving John, I just didn't walk yet. But Jeff is…Wow. I just loved John too much.

Two polar opposites. Completely. But there's something about Jeff. How soft spoken he is when its only you in the room. That man could burn a hole in you with his eyes. They're amazing. I love how they just kinda blend, the hazel fades into the blue parts. Yeah. He has amazing eyes. He can make you smile. No matter how you're feeling. In the middle of pouring your heart out, he can say the nicest thing, or the most random. Whichever suits you. Bling. A smile.

I didn't realize that I'm already 9 hours into my trip. I just hit Raleigh. Wow. I want to throw up. I guess I could have called him first. It'll be almost 7pm before I'm there. He probably has plans. He's probably going to Matt's. They always do weird shit when they're together. My mind is so fucking scratchy. Its kinda like when you put a new tape into one of the old, old VCR's and you had to fix the traction. That's how cluster-fucked my brain is. I need a cigarette. Cameron. Grreeaatt. I'm glad I have officially verified that I'm a crazy broad.

I pulled onto the dirt road. Middle o-fuckin nowhere. That's where they lived. Middle of Nowhere, North Carolina. It should be officially sealed. There's not even snow. Its almost December, and there's no snow. What the hell? I passed Matt's house. There was a few cars. A white hummer, a silver something or another, and Matt's Corvette. Jeff's wasn't there though. Hopefully he was at home. Hopefully, I'm not interrupting something. I pulled into his driveway. I turned the radio down. 4 a.m by Our Lady Peace wasn't cutting it right now.

The dogs were going crazy, running up and down the fence line. Gracie was going nuts in the back seat from riding for 10 and ½ hours. And if I had the remote control Adam Sandler had in click. Life would have been paused. I needed to think. I didn't have anything planned. I haven't seen him in 4 years, what if he just forgot who I was? Me and Jeff had a great bond when I was on the road with them. I said it before and I'll say it again. Candace was my shelter from the storm. Jeff was the calm after the storm. He meant a lot more to me on the road than he knew.

This has to be right. I mean it has to. It can't get anymore wrong. So. What's left. The porch light came on, and he stepped through the screen door. Damn. He's a sight for sore eyes. He didn't say anything, and I wasn't close enough to read his face, but the way he looked at me, let me know right then he didn't forget who I was. It was almost like he slithered down the stairs. It was a pain-staking slow pace that we started toward each other.

We both have yet to say something. Anything. Its so quiet I can hear the denim on the bottom of his pants hitting when he walks. The white beater clung to his chest. He had a great body. It wasn't sculpted. He was fit, without being incredibly cut. The yellow bandana he wore on his red and black hair sat right above his eye lids, covering his eyebrows. His eyes pierced me. I could feel his look cut right through me. It wasn't bad. It was that 'holy shit what the hell are you doing here?' look.

Maybe I'm a huge fucking cry baby. I rolled the dice, landed on Water Works, and bought that shit. I wept, like a mother fucker. His arms wrapped instantly around my waist and he picked me up to meet his full height. My feet dangled a few inches above the ground, and my arms wrapped tightly around his neck. His face buried in the side of my neck, and I could hear him inhale me. Like he was getting high of my scent. He set me back on the ground and looked at me.

"You look great, Marley." He smiled.

"You look.." I paused. He looked fucking scrumptious. Can I say that? "Great, too Jeff." Original. Fucking original.

He must have caught a look on my face, because he laughed a little.

"How are you?" his fucking smile will kill me. He looked back to my car, and pointed.

"That's my little girl." I said turning around and smiling. He walked toward the car and looked at her. I couldn't see his eyebrows, but from the way his eye's looked, they were raised. High.

"She looks like John. A Lot." he said amazed. That's the first thing everyone says. I know that. I look at her everyday. I know she looks like him. Damn it.

Yeah. Great. It was another mistake to come here. Do I ever not make a mistake? I almost wanted to have a hissy fit at his name. Ugh, Could I Not fucking love him, Please? For one fucking day? I just want one day, free, clear and out of love with John Fuckin Cena.

Instead, cuz I tend to have a pleasant mouth with people. okay that came out wrong, but I say. "Yeah, she does."

"So…How are you?" He asks again.

"I'm fine, Jeff. How are you?" I asked.

He turned around from looking at Gracie, and looked right into my eyes. Fuck.

"How are you?" he asks again, a smirk planting its self on his lips. This bitch is reading me. He hasn't seen me in 4 years and he thinks he can still read me?

I should answer him. I can't though. I'm miserable. I want to fucking die. I can't. If I didn't have Gracie, I probably would have killed myself a long time ago. In all honesty. I thought I could not see John, and it wouldn't hurt as much. Wrong. Then maybe, just maybe, I could be tough enough to see him once. Wrong. Maybe leave again. WRONG. Everything is fucking wrong.

"I saw John a couple days ago. At his parents, for Thanksgiving." I nodded, looking at him.

"It wasn't good, was it?" This guys a fucking genius, huh.

"It started good. His mom wanted to me to stay because it was late, and I bailed on him at 3:30 in the morning." I confessed. "I'm scared, Jeff." I whispered. I was scared. I just want to cry all the time. I would feel like the worst mother on the planet if I were to keep Gracie away from John and his parents. His parents especially.

"C'mon." his voice broke through my thoughts. "Let's go inside." he said pointing to the house. Good Idea. I could pass out.

I gathered my daughter and the suitcase I brought and fallowed Jeff. He reached behind me and grabbed the handle and started wheeling my things up the sidewalk, while I was clinging onto the one part of my life I don't regret, at all.


End file.
